There will be days you feel tossed in the wildness of the roaring ocean. Hold fast.
When I was in Hana, HI training, Hurricane Lane was barreling right towards the island of Maui.
What I’d hoped would be a magical time of learning, personal growth and deep transformation truly became one of the most pivotal points of my life, though all I could see was utter chaos around me.
Hana wasn’t the magical and enchanted time I’d hoped for.
It was, BRUTAL. FEARCE. UNRULY. WILD, UNFORGIVING.
Hana, the deep rain forest on a tiny island with the raging waters of the Pacific, already commanding respect.The winds and rains of a hurricane showing just how powerless you are, in the unforgiving world around you.
I remember spending the day with one other student that had stayed the entire three weeks along with me, my husband who had come out for a “nice visit” and my teacher, William Lee Rand . We spent the day boarding up The International Center for Reiki Training in Hana. The sky full of dark clouds. The eerie feeling of the looming force of nature, baring itself down and giving it’s all. Despite the chaos and the destruction it brought with it, it brought something of beauty too. Unrelenting. Untamed. Beauty I couldn't see in the moment, but only upon reflection of the truth of that time.
In a way, I think that storm continues to be my teacher. Maybe that storm is the reason my soul brought me to Hana. I can't explain why. It was just this deep inner knowing, I knew I had to be there. On those days. For that time.
The storm continues to echo in my mind, of the fierce truth of a world that is often times anything but kind. It reminds me of the many times, I’ve felt tossed and battered by the ocean of life, gasping and pleading for breath.
I remember the helpless, hopeless feelings of laying alone in the hospital time after time. Doctors simply saying they didn’t know. Dismissing me. Saying it was mental illness, and a desire to no longer be a mother that kept the horrific pain in my abdomen for four years.
What they didn’t count on, what no one had counted on, is the STRENGTH that EVERY SINGLE STRUGGLE of my life has forged inside of me! The sheer determination to RISE again, even if it takes every last breath.
It’s my own Survivor story. I rose from so many oceans that tried to drown me. When feeling as if the weight of the world was the anchor around my waist, a joining of others opinions, judgements and critical stains they had smeared across me with their words bringing me right to the bottom, and feeling it easy to slip into oblivion. Feeling the breath slip from me so many times, yet the powerful force inside ROARING, like an INNER HURRICANE, reaching up. Somehow summoning up the strength to try. Just. One. More. Time.
Surfacing. Gasping. Unsure if alive or dead. Many times, being in an open sea with no one in sight. Alone. Frantically searching for someone else to be my strength. When given the choice, to slip away into the abyss, leaving the struggle, leaving the judgements, leaving the cruelty of a word that is not my home. I chose to come back to surface.To breathe again.
There was a quote I saw several years back that felt as if it was kindling igniting this wild flame within.
It was almost as if the Universe gave me my message in the only way I could see it. It became a picture in my mind, and a mantra that dug me out from the depths of my pain.
“I guess it comes down to a simple choice, really . You get busy living, or get busy dying." - The Shawshank Redemption.
Simple. Profound. True.
I never saw that movie. It’s not really my kind of thing.
Those words though, were what I needed to shake the insides of my mind, to rattle this cage of lies I had allowed myself to live in. As I took in the meaning of those words for me, I began to look around at the stories that stained my inner walls, the words and underhanded plays that has left me feeling void of connection.
I decided to take back the key that I'd allowed anyone and everyone passing by to hold, to decide my destiny. And, I set myself free. Free from the jail cell I’d allowed others to build for me, and willingly walked into because I didn’t have the self worth not to. I think I truly believed others knew the truth about me more then I could ever know the truth about myself.
A sad reminder of those judgements, the one dimensional world that many live in, and actually believe that is what living is.
You see, they bought in, HOOK, LINE and SINKER, just like I had. They too are living in houses built by others opinions, impressions and ideas. They too are donning the latest styles of regret, of lies, of self abandonment.
So, when others dug up my past and try to throw in my face the “failures” or the stories I was a part of when others were telling me what part my life could play; I feel that deep FIRE within my belly.
That fire says, “oh no. Not this time! I won’t be painted into anyone else’s idea of MY story. I won’t be made to be anything I’m not. And I won’t allow the very things that shaped me and made me, to be cast down as a mistake, a failure, or anything to be ashamed of!”
I am PROUD of who I was, and who I AM. Because without who I WAS, I could never be who I am now.
I will wear every SCAR like a jewel in my crown.
I will accept every depth so deep as my training ground.
I will embrace this HEART of a LIONESS that never backed down, and never gave up, as as the Warrior that I am.
I will KEEP GOING. I will KEEP GROWING.
I will continue to RISE from the depths of judgements, from the noose of regrets, and from the anchor of fear.
My life.Taking sail on wings of HOPE, of FAITH, of GRACE, of LOVE.🙏🏻
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