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Hana, the long road home.

I’d imagine hand washing my laundry, and thought it would be amazing to let my clothes dry out in the fresh ocean air. To fill them with the energy of the very thing my heart loves most, the ocean. I begin feeling overwhelming emotions in ways I can’t describe when I’m standing on the shore. There are days I wake up with this wild need to drive east, run out and jump in. Even in the Northern Virginia winters, I think of what it would be like to get to Deleware and put my feet in that cold ocean water. It calls me. Moana really felt that urge to run to the ocean that she was singing about! Turns out, when you are in a rainforest… nothing dries. In the rainforest, it rains. When it’s not raining, the air is so moist with the humidity, everything mildews. The salty air also adds a patina and starts to eat away at the wood, metal, and pretty much everything outside. The ocean, while so wild and free, is fierce and unforgiving. I learned so more that summer than I’d imagined I would. I learned how scary mother nature is. How terrifying the very thing I loved so much could be so unrelenting. I learned that I could be so easily tossed by the giant waves of Hurricane Lane, that was still far, far out in the ocean. I was defenseless to the barbarity of the Pacific. It scared me, amazed me, but it also humbled me beyond anything that my words could ever express. I realized that in a world where everyone wants to be bigger, better, known and celebrated, I simply wanted to feel small. I wanted to feel the smallness of myself; to echo through to the mammoth size of all the pain in my past. I thought, surely as I sat at Kiki Beach, this big, wild ocean would calm this wild force inside that tried so much to steal my joy. This force that wanted me to forget the joy I’d found, and to give in to despair. I wanted the ocean to drown out the weight of the struggle, and make it all seem insignificant. Just as I was, I saw how easily it could all be over. The difference from the past, this time I wanted to feel them so I could also heal them. I’d come to Hawaii to learn. To grow as a Healer. To become a Teacher. To learn who I really was at the core of my being. I found was someone I could be proud of. Someone whom, when faced with fears so big, chose to breathe. Chose to take one step, and then another. (More on that later) I’d asked William if I could do a load of laundry at his house. And, the reassuring nod of the older man speckled with grey stubble and had kind eyes shook his head yes. There were a lot of things that perplexed me about William. There were some that frustrated me. But, as I look back now, I realize there was much that I also found so indearing. This man who has found his dream, and has lived it every single day. He really inspired to be better than how I already was. There was a lot on a subconscious level that I’ve recently started to unpack. William is a giving person and a humble man. He is someone who doesn’t think he’s better than others, but rather someone who is passionate about sharing the truth. I admire that about him. I’ve always been a truth seeker and a truth-teller. Very few things in life upset me, the way someone lying to me, however, does. The only thing that is on par with that, is when someone doesn’t do “the right thing”. I have such a strong sense of morals. I always have. I’ve always believed in offering a hand to someone, in helping to uplift the broken and give hope to those who are without hope. William is doing that, in his own peculiar way, his crooked smile, the twinkle in his eye, and excitement in his voice. He is honoring where he’s come from and passing on this legacy to us. For which, I’m beyond grateful for. I realize now, over a year after coming home, William was teaching me so much more than Reiki. For that, I am forever grateful. William was kind enough to allow me to do some laundry during the day while the sun was charging the electric panel. The laundry was downstairs in the secondary kitchen area. The house is an eight side octagonal shape, and there are a few guest rooms downstairs as well that all open up to the open garage area, and the kitchen is also off of that area. Spiders the size of my hand were occasionally found on the walls. Which to a bugged out clean freak like me, that was a lot to adjust to. I met some amazing new friends during my journey. I really bonded with so many of them. They had felt like people I’d known my whole life. One other student and I were there for the entirety. Both of us Reiki Masters, but both of us knowing we were also on a pilgrimage and this was the road we had to travel to get there. It was a road back home, a road within. One we were amazed at with each turn, that was full of tears, and awe. One that now, as I recount how much I’ve changed, and who I’ve become, I wish I could do over again. The other students came for Holy Fire Reiki 1 & 2. Others came for just Art/Master, and others for Holy Fire Karuna™. Each time a class ended, saying goodbye was so hard. Even with the excitement of the next class, my heart ached with each goodbye. Allison and I were the two that remained. And, we grew very close. I looked up to her, almost like a motherly admiration. I loved her heart, I cherished her knowledge, and I adored her thirst for more. I loved that she was also there searching, just like me. I admired most of all how she stood strong, yet loving in who she was. She had quirks that were endearing, but ones others may think odd. All those odd quirks made me love her even more. Her Canadian accent, the many nature tattoos, and feather earrings. I admired how she stayed true to herself through and through. With BOLD red hair, and a heart the size of Maui. She became someone I wanted to learn from. And, I did. I found my tribe. People from all over the world. We were all brought together by this amazing gift, Reiki. The trip of a lifetime really did start with one step. A step out to the ledge of my greatest fears. Part Three coming soon! “We wander, question. But the answer waits in each separate heart – the answer of our own identity and the way by which we can master loneliness and feel that at last we, belong.” ― Carson McCullers